How Do I Say
by boqlover
Summary: Post-film. Spock and Uhura have been together long enough for things to begin to change. Uhura tries to understand why Spock is resisting moving forward. She has to decide whether the things shes wanted are improtant to her anymore.
1. Chapter 1

Uhura clung to Spock her breath ragged biting her lip. Her eyes were closed tightly and she felt Spock's, even but still deep, on her throat. His long fingers were stroking through her hair. They moved together in a slow delicious rhythm. She felt Spocks weight on top of her shift as one of his hands moved to the small of her back stroking softly. She moaned quietly her fingers tightening on his shoulders.

This was not the first night they had spent together. It was not the second, third or any other significant number. It wasn't any kind of anniversary either. The love making itself, while deliciously satisfying, was not significantly unique. But to Uhura there was something… strange was not the correct word. Strange somehow always implied a negative feeling and this was not unpleasant in anyway. It was something so small she could not place it but so odd he could not ignore it. She opened her eyes looking into Spocks face and the feeling intensified. She felt… she'd never felt anything like it before. She ran through dictionary like lists of adjectives trying to find one that fit how she felt.

"Uhura?" said Spock. His hand slid over her cheek. "Is something wrong?"

"No…. no. I just. It's nothing." She kissed him trying to drive the incessant thoughts from her head. As Spocks mouth moved gently against her and the feeling strengthened again. She pushed it aside as their movements quickened. Uhura felt her breath leave her completely. She wrapped one of her dark smooth legs around him pulling him closer. One hand slid down over her leg and the other gripped her headrest. They climaxed together, Uhura's breath catching in her chest and Spock moaning into her ear his hands tightening.

As Spock moved to lay beside her, his hands drawing small circles over her skin Uhura said without realizing the word were about to come out of her mouth in a breathy voice, "I love you." Her brain stopped in disbelief but the feeling in her stomach exploded. 'That was it.' She thought. 'That's what I was feeling.'

"What?" said Spock not moving. He did not pull away from her but his hand had stopped.

"I love you." She said again this time her voice shaking. "I know we've only known each other a year and only been together a few months but it's how I feel. I understand if you don't feel the same way-"

"I don't know what love feels like." Inturuppted Spock looking not at Uhura but directly up at the ceiling. "I only remember when I arrived at my first day of classes my mother told me she loved me when she dropped me off. Another student heard her and the other students wouldn't speak to me."

"I don't need you to say it Spock. I didn't mean to say it."

"Uhura-"

"I mean, I mean it. I do love you I just didn't mean to say it out loud."

"Uhura-"

"I mean its not fair for me to expect you to say it when I just realized it-"

"Uhura." Said Spock firmly gripping her hand firmly. "I care deeply for you. That in itself is dangerous."

"Dangerous?" said Uhura concerned.

"Vulcans are not without emotion, though we would like to be perceived as such. Our emotions it given into as freely as you do are erratic and volatile. You saw what happened when Kirk provoked me so I would have to give up command of the ship after Vulcan was destroyed. The natural emotional reaction to anything for Vulcans is anger. That is why we suppress all emotions." He turned to her holding her face. "I care for you very deeply Uhura but I do so cautiously."

"Spock…"

"I am only saying this so you understand why I cannot say that I… I don't know what love is. Love is a volatile emotion in humans. I only know of one Vulcan who has ever even admitted to knowing what love feels like and that he has loved."

"Who?" said Uhura.

"My father. He told me loved my mother shortly before Kirk and I beamed aboard the Narada." Spock stopped at the second mention of his mother.

"Please Spock I shouldn't have said anything-"

"Uhura do not apologize for your emotions. I care for you as much as I dare to and probably more then I should. But I wouldn't change that. Perhaps one day I will be able to feel love. The day I do, you will know." He held Uhura to his chest and she hesitated. "Nyota…" he whispered her name into her hair brushing strands away from her face and she sighed.

"I'm not trying to change anything you've said. I just wanted to say… I just… When I started feeling it I didn't know what it was. All I knew was the closer to you I got the more we held each other… the stronger it got. I didn't know I was going to say it when I opened my mouth. But when I said it I knew it was the right thing to say. It wasn't until let go that I even knew." She paused considering her words. "I'm not asking you to do that. I'm just saying if you don't you may never feel it."

She closed her eyes and lay into him her breath slow and even as she sunk into sleep. Her hands held to Spock not as though she expected him to leave but rather like he was anchoring her down holding her in place. She slid effortlessly into sleep and an easy smile crossed her face.

Spock however lay for nearly an hour staring at her, feeling her breath against him. He wanted to run his hands up and down her back, over her arms, run his fingers over her face. He prevented himself by twisting a section of her hair between his fingers and resting one hand in the small of her back.

He needed to be touching her. Whenever he thought about pulling away or tried to drop her dark silky strands a beast roared deep in his chest. He felt oddly conflicted, his actions being controlled by something so strange. He knew he was perfectly capable of pulling away but he did not want to. So he did not. He held to Uhura as she lay sleeping and eventually sleep came to him as well.


	2. Chapter 2

_One moth later…_

Uhura and Gaila sat in their room Uhura at her desk recording her research at her PADD, Gaila on her bed with her feet on the headboard flipping through a fashion catalogue on her PADD. Uhura yawned, the back of her hand to her mouth. Gaila looked up at her, her finger pausing over the screen. "How can you be tired? It's ten in the morning on a Saturday. You only woke up two hours ago. Did you and Spock have a long night or something?" Her eyebrow arched during this second question.

"No!" said Uhura still not quite used to Gaila's overt style about her sex life. "Spock was recording the radiation fluctuations of a dwarf star. I was in here studying, but I wasn't up late." She pressed her fingers to her temples. "I actually went to bed early, I have been so tired lately."

"It's probably just all the caffeine you have. You drink way to much coffee."

"I haven't been eating right either. I'm like ravenous one minute and the next I can't even think about food." She powered down her PADD sliding away from the desk in her chair.

"Really?" said Gaila her face changing into a curiously knowing look.

"What? Do you think maybe I'm sick? Do you think should I go see Bones?"

"Before you do can I try diagnosing you?"

"Just because you slept with a doctor doesn't make you one." Said Uhura rolling her eyes.

"That was over a year ago, you know I'm back with Kirk. Any way its just one question." Said Gaila sitting up and tucking her feet underneath her. Uhura nodded her consent. "You have been using contraceptive shots with the Vulcan right?"

"_Spock_ and I are responsible adults. They determined because he's a half Vulcan half human he wouldn't be able to… have children. But I've been using them anyway."

"Did you ever stop to think that they might not work with his… unique chemistry?"

"That's more then one question." Said Uhura turning back to her PADD. She turned it on and went to resume her typing but her fingers froze over the screen. She clicked to her calendar and counted back on her calendar. 'A week and a half late…' she thought. 'That hardly means anything.'

…

_A week later _

Uhura walked briskly through the hallways flexing and unflexing her fingers. Gaila automatically jumped to the worst conclusions. She and Spock ha been careful, they had had a discussion to prevent this from happening. 'Nothing is happening.' Thought Uhura shaking her head. She was just going to get some antibiotics from McCoy and this whole stupid scenario would be over and she and Spock would go on like they were-

She turned a corner and ran into the very man she was thinking about. "Uhura I apologize."

"It was my fault I wasn't thinking clearly. I was heading towards the sick bay."

"Are you not feeling well?" He said reaching to hold her waist looking concerned. "Would you like me to escort you?"

"No I think it's just a minor cold." She smiled up at his concerned look then a slight laugh escaped her.

"Did I say something amusing?" said Spock looking confused.

"No I was just thinking something Gaila said last week."

"What did she say?"

"I was talking about my symptoms and she suggested I was… it was silly really." She looked at the ground.

"Tell me." Said Spock, tilting her face up under her chin.

"She said she thought I was… pregnant." She tilted her eyes down. The word seemed to echo around the hall and it didn't seem funny anymore. It had seemed ridiculous in her room between two girls. But here with his hand on her waist and the other on her face, the memories of previous weeks spinning between them the word seemed too real. His hand slid to her waist but did not hold her, merely rested on her.

"Why did she believe you were… pregnant?" said Spock stumbling over the word.

"Because I was tired, and my eating patterns were unusual. And then I noticed I was late… But I've been taking my injections so it can't be possible-"she glanced up but Spock's face had changed.

"Have you been having headaches? Back aches? Nausea?" He looked into her eyes not softly as he usually did but analytically.

"Now that you mention it… yes. I have… But I've been taking my injections and you can't have children-" she repeated.

"The doctors predicted I could not have children and the injections you've been taking do not work with Vulcan DNA. I assumed my biology was mpstly human due to my other similarities to human biology. It is possible I was mistaken."

"You think I'm pregnant?" said Uhura her voice on the edge of shaking.

"I believe it is possible." Said Spock. "And probable considering our actions in the previous weeks."

"Oh my-" Uhura's knees wavered and she fell into him. He held her upright and helped her into one of the lounges. She sat on one of the couches and he sat beside her.

"Are you alright? Are you going to lose consciousness?"

"No, I just didn't think it was even a possibility. I just thought of it as one of Gaila's over dramatizations. But the way you're saying it… makes me think you believe it's true."

"I do." He looked at Uhura. "How will we go about-"

"I don't know if I'm even ready to be a mother or if I can-"

"Nyota." He interrupted her not hastily but simply. The use of her intimate name calmed her. "I am not prepared to be a father. I cannot raise a child. I do not believe you could raise one by yourself as you are still young. I believe the most logical decision would be to terminate the pregnancy now while it has minimal effects on you."

Uhura sat in silence for what seemed like hours but was probably only a few moments. "You want me to... get rid of the baby?"

"Assuming there is even a baby."

"You obviously think there is and you think I should get rid of it."

"I do. Is that not the conclusion you have arrived at?"

"I haven't come to any conclusions. And you can just decide to get rid of him without even thinking it out."

"Him? Correct me if I am mistaken but isn't it far too early to determine the sex of the child?"

"Yes it is I just… When you said I could be pregnant I just imagined a little boy. How can you just decide to get rid of him in a matter of seconds?"

"Do you not want to?" Spock looked increasingly confused.

"I don't know if I do but I would have taken much longer to decide. This is another being we're talking about, another life. What if I wanted to raise him with you?"

"Uhura-"

"Why do you do that?" Uhura closed her eyes closing her hands. Spock looked at her obviously befuddled. "When things get too emotional you stop calling me Nyota, like you're treating me like just another cadet."

"Nyota," he began again. "I am not prepared to be a father. I know human children require a lot of time and... affection. I intend to remain in Starfleet."

"And you don't love me." Said Uhura her voice quiet and wavering.

"I cannot love you-"

"You've never tried." She said bitterly. "I risked my position in Starfleet to be with you. I risked my reputation too. You've risked nothing. You don't even try to open to me. Maybe if you did you could love me. And our child." On the last three words her voice cracked. "But you won't. You'll just call me Uhura and get rid of our child and keep 'trying' to love me." She tried to stand but Spock grabbed onto her.

"Nyota I have told you why I cannot try to love you. I don't know what love is. I care for you as much as I can. I am not going to be a father because I do not feel prepared to be a father."

"How do you know you wouldn't be a great father? You care for me and look after me. You watch over everyone onboard."

"You know terminating the pregnancy is the most logical choice Nyota, why are you fighting me?"

"Look," said Uhura. "What if I didn't get rid of the baby? What if I delivered him and he was healthy and happy? Would you help me? Or would you leave me?" Spock did not speak but looked at the floor instead. Uhura felt tears slide, hot, over her cheeks. "What if in five years we had a little by with my nose and your eyes. And he had my sarcasm and your wits… "

"I know you wish to remain in Starfleet and will not have a child at this current time. In the future you may wish to-"

"That's not what I asked." She said her voice quiet. Spock did not reply and did not look up. Nyota stood and left the room quietly. She walked silently down the hallway her hands clenched at her side. She walked to her room and punched in the access code slowly. The door slid open and she walked inside slowly her eyes clenched shut. As soon as the door slid shut, however, she slid down the wall loud, almost screaming sobs clutching at her chest.

"Uhura?" Gaila's high breathy voice barely cut through the sound. Uhura looked up and saw Gaila straddling Kirk on her desk chair, her gold lipstick smeared across her and Kirk's face. Kirk was trying not to look at her but couldn't help it. "What's wrong?"

"He- He didn't… he thought I was and I thought he would- but he wouldn't and he won't love me- And he could have had his eyes and my smile- he wants to get rid of him- and he decided in a second. He wouldn't love our baby- he can't love me- he won't try. And I told him loved him- he wouldn't say it back- he won't love our baby." Uhura babbled sobbing inhaling raggedly and unevenly.

"Uhura. Uhura!" Gaila knelt beside her zipping up the front of her uniform. "What's going on? I don't understand."

"Spock wants me to get rid of our baby." She said sobbing. "Once he realized it, it took him a few seconds to decide. He didn't even consider…" Her sobbing resumed so violently she could not speak.

"Wait…" said Kirk standing up from the chair. "The Vulcan got you pregnant?" Gaila glared at him and he sat back down.

"Ok honey why don't you get into bed. Nothing's gonna change tonight. Let's get you to sleep." She gripped her arm and helped her stand.

"Oh god it hurts." she said and bent over herself.

"I know it hurts but sleeping will help you forget-"

"No it hurts!" said Uhura gripping her stomach. "Oh my god!" She began screaming and both of her arms wrapped around her as she fell back to the floor.

"Shit, shit, shit!" said Gaila bending over Uhura's screaming form. "Kirk I think she might be miscarrying." Uhura went limp as she lost consciousness. "Shit!"

"What do I do?" Said Kirk standing up again.

"Get her to the sick bay!" said Gaila. Kirk bent down and picked up Uhura's limp form. He rushed down the hallway towards the sick bay Gaila rushing after him.

"Bones!" said Kirk barging into the sick bay. "You've gotta help her."

"What did you do now Kir-" Bones waked out of another room but froze when he saw Uhura's limp form. "What the fuck did you do to her?"

"He didn't do anything." Said Gaila pushing forward. "I think she might be miscarrying." Kirk laid her on one of the empty hospital beds. Thankfully the sick bay was empty.

"Miscarrying?" said Bones stopping in his tracks. "She's pregnant?"

"I'll explain later, just help her!" said Gaila. McCoy pushed her bed into the next room. Gaila sat on an empty chair shaking and Kirk sat beside her.

"Should one of us find Spock?" said Kirk. Gaila looked at him disbelief crossing her face.

"Do men even think before they open their mouths?" Kirk sat back and did not speak again.


	3. Chapter 3

_Reviews are much appreciated! I'm sorry about any inaccuracies but I've only seen the movie and a couple of the episodes of the original series. I'm watching them all slowly but surely._

Uhura opened her eyes slowly but closed them quickly at the glare of the fluorescent lights in the sick bay. "Oh good you're awake." Said McCoy walking over to her bed.

"What happened? Where am I?" she said groggily trying to stand up. He gently pushed her back to a laying back position and adjusted the bed so she was sitting up.

"You're in the sick bay." Said McCoy checking her vitals. Suddenly it all came rushing back.

"Oh god… is the baby ok?"

"Well no-"

"Oh god- I can't- I lost the baby?" Uhura gripped her stomach and began to cry.

"Not exactly." said McCoy looking uncomfortable.

"Wait if I didn't lose it then what's wrong?"

"There is no baby." Said McCoy looking at the ground.

"Wait." Aid Uhura pulling her hands to her head. "I'm missing something. You just said I didn't lose the baby."

"There wasn't ever a baby." Said McCoy. "You were suffering from something called pseudocyesis." Uhura looked at him blankly. "Your body for whatever reasons mimicked the symptoms of pregnancy. You had a hysterical pregnancy."

"Then a hysterical miscarriage." Said Uhura her voice unemotional and flat. "So basically I'm crazy." Tears ran down her face but she seemed not to realize they were streaming from her eyes.

"No you're not crazy. Due to some emotional stress you're body felt it necessary to mimic the symptoms of pregnancy. It's more of an endocrine disorder than psychological-"

"How many people know I'm here?" said Uhura cutting him of flatly.

"What?" said McCoy disconcerted.

"How many people know I'm here?" repeated Uhura starting to sound more frustrated.

"Well Gaila, me, Kirk-"

"Why the hell does Kirk know I'm here?" said Uhura sitting up straighter.

"He carried you here." Said McCoy starting to look uncomfortable again. "Apparently you walked into your room and he was there with Gaila and when you passed out he carried you here."

"Great." Said Uhura clenching her jaw.

"And Spock." Finished McCoy.

"Spock knows I'm here?" she said looking up her eyes wide.

"Yeah. He went looking for you and went to your room. Apparently Kirk blurted it out." She rolled her eyes.

"Great." She said again.

"Would it make you feel better if I told you Gaila nearly broke his ribs she punched him so hard?"

"A little." Said Uhura her face setting impassively.

"He's been waiting here for you." He said.

"Kirk?" she said looking up confused.

"No Spock. As soon as he heard you were taken to the sick bay he rushed up here. He's been sitting outside for six hours."

"Does he know what happened?" she said sitting up trying to settle herself.

"He knows you passed out and Kirk carried you here. He doesn't know anything beyond that."

"Why did I pass out?"

"High blood pressure and anemia." Uhura took a deep breath putting her fingers to her temples rotating them slowly closing her eyes. She slid her hands over her face then dropped them to her lap.

"Send him in." she said cracking each of her fingers in her lap.

"Are you sure?" said McCoy. "I could just tell him you're awake and to come back later."

"No." she said inhaling slowly. "Send him in now. Let me tell him what's going on myself though. Ok? Just let me say what I need to say." McCoy nodded then went into the next room to get Spock. Uhura looked up to the ceiling exhaling slowly. Before she had fully expressed the breath Spock was beside her. McCoy stood in the corner monitoring her vitals.

"Nyota are you alright?"

"Not really." She said her voice starting to shake.

"Is-" he glanced quickly at her stomach, then to McCoy. "Is… are you still-"

"He knows, you don't have to worry about telling him." She said looking at McCoy. "And I'm not."

"Uhura-"

"Look Spock I miscarried. That's what you wanted anyway so it's all fine." McCoy looked up his eyes shocked but he didn't anything. "You didn't want to have a baby and now there is no baby."

"I am sorry you miscarried Uhura." Said Spock extending her hand to rest on her arm. She did not make any indication of whether she wanted him to leave his hand on her or not so he left it there. "I know you wished to deliver the baby-"

"You never answered me." She said not seeming to have heard him.

"Answered what question?" he said looking confused which was an unusual expression for him.

"If you would stay with me if I had the baby or if you would have left."

"Well seeing as there is no longer a child in question I don't see-"

"Spock." She closed her eyes looking upward. "Just answer me. Would you have stayed?"

"If you had kept the child…" he paused. "Yes, I would have stayed."

"Really?" she said looking up her eyes shining. "Why couldn't you have said that before?"

"I hadn't properly thought through my response when you first asked. I have had considerable time since then to decide." He looked down at his hands now both on her lap then up to her eyes. "I would help you with whatever decision you made."

"Thank you." She said leaning forward and gripping his upper arm. "I know it doesn't matter now but it helps to know you would have been there for me." He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around her. She held him close her eyes clenched shut.

He rubbed her back and murmured over and over."Nyota, _t'nash-veh__ veh ong goh_." She held to him fiercely stroking his hair and neck.

"Uhura needs her rest." Said McCoy moving forward. "Spock I'll need you to leave in a couple minutes." Spock turned and nodded his consent and noted the odd expression he gave Uhura.

He turned back to her and she kissed him softly. "I'm sorry for all this." She said her lips a breath from his as he held her close. "I didn't mean to- and I-"

"Do not apologize, Uhura. You have nothing to apologize for." He kissed her gently again then pressed his lips to her forehead. "I will let you rest and visit tomorrow." He went through the door and McCoy passed him on his way in.

As the door slid shut McCoy engaged the hyperlock. "Why did you tell him you miscarried when you know that's not what happened?"

She sat back on the bed looking away from him. "I didn't want everyone thinking I was just some crazy girl who faked a pregnancy to keep Spock with her ok? Anyways essentially that's what happened, so what if some details changed?"

'Uhura-"

"Look if Kirk or Gaila asks, I miscarried. Got it?"

"Uhura-"

"Bones, there's no reason anyone but the two of us need to know the truth. I'd just like to preserve some of my dignity." McCoy looked like he wanted to argue but merely shrugged and left Uhura to sleep.

_t'nash-veh__ veh ong goh- my one and only_

_I think I'm only going to write one more chapte rbecause I'm not sure if this can go much further without it turning WAY to dramatic. _


End file.
